Have you ever heard the saying “The first time, it’s a mistake but the second time, that is a choice”? It’s kind of along these lines that we’re sharing this article. Certainly no one is perfect, which means there are always mistakes to be made. However, it is our belief that 1) some mistakes are pretty avoidable and 2) once you do realize the ones that you’ve made or are making, it’s possible to make the proper corrections.
So, just what are some of the big time relationship mistakes that are common among so many people? Good question. We’re going to provide a short list, along with some tips on how to avoid them in your own relationship.
1. Being unrealistic
You wanna know what’s so “funny” about fairy tales? You never hear what happens after the “And they lived happily ever after…” part. Princes are hard to come by. Fairy godmothers don’t exist. Fairy tales are scripted. So don’t expect your relationship to be a story out of a book of fiction. He’s real. You’re real. That means you’re both imperfect, on a financial budget and won’t always get everything right. That’s OK. Better to have the real thing than always waiting for…what isn’t.
2. Not trying to understand one another
“First seek to understand and then be understood.” It’s another wise quote that can save you a lot of heartache and frustration. Unfortunately, in relationships, we’re oftentimes so busy trying to get our point across that we’re not even listening to our partner which can lead to a lot of, well, misunderstandings. And that ultimately can lead to a lot of problems.
Jealousy is not about love. It’s about insecurity. That said, your guy should feel like it’s OK to have friends of the opposite sex and so should you. If one of you doesn’t, that’s not about the relationship but something inside that needs to be addressed.
4. Lack of space
It’s OK to wish that you could spend all of your time with each other. At the same time, to try and literally do that is…not healthy. For one thing, you both have obligations that need to be taken care of and so if you really care about one another, you don’t want to get in the way of what’s going to make you each successful. Secondly, it’s fine to need to get some space—to actually miss each other because you’re not up under one another 24-7.
5. Not listening
This point basically falls in line with not understanding. There is no way that two people are going to be able to communicate with one another if they are not listening. This means being quiet while the other is talking, making sure that you heard what was said and then thoughtfully responding rather than reacting. Trust us, if you can get THIS down, you’re well on your way to having a pretty awesome relationship!
A selfish person is basically someone who is only focused on themselves and their needs. And if both people are like that, the relationship is not going to get anywhere. If you’re focused on him being happy and he’s focused on you being happy, there tends to be more of a compromise. And that works well for all parties involved.
Greediness is basically like selfishness’s evil twin. It’s a step beyond selfish in the sense that it’s not just about getting what you want but as much of it as possible, no matter what it costs the other person. A person like this is opportunistic. You don’t want to be them or be with them.
8. Comparing yourself to exes
Focusing too much on an ex is basically like living in the past. Yes, there was something about exes that both of y’all liked or they wouldn’t be exes. But there’s also a reason why you’re not with them anymore or again, they wouldn’t be exes. So why spend a lot of time comparing yourself to them. That was then and this is now. Don’t pull the past into the present. Take care of the present in preparation for the future.
9. Social media stalking
You know what they say: If you go looking for something, you just might find it. Besides, social media stalking is sneaky, time-consuming and speaks to a lack of trust. A horrible climate for a healthy relationship.
Nagging is basically what control freaks do when they’re not able to get their way. And being that traditionally girls do it more than guys, we’ll just say this: If you want to get on a guy’s nerves quick, fast and in a hurry, NAG HIM…NAG HIM…NAG HIM. See how even reading that got on your nerves? Now wonder how he feels when you do it. #checkmate
11. Mood swings
PMS is real. But when you’re moody to the point that he doesn’t know who (or what) he’s dealing with on a moment-by-moment basis, that’s what needs to be addressed. And while we’re at it, a lot of men can be pretty darn moody too. No one should feel like they have to walk on eggshells around each other. If you or your guy has this habit, it needs to be talked about. Sooner than later.
12. Making assumptions/Jumping to conclusions
Whenever you’re tempted to blame someone for something, ask first. It’s a respectful approach and 8 times out of 10, you’ll realize that you only got a part of the story or picture.
13. Being insecure
If you don’t feel good about yourself, there is nothing that someone else can do to change that. So don’t look for your boyfriend to fill the voids of how unattractive or not smart or not funny you are. It’s unfair to him and it also does a disservice to you because you’ll find yourself looking to him to do what you should be doing for yourself: becoming more secure.
If your relationship is a lot like a roller coaster in the sense that it’s up and down or hot and cold, that there’s really no consistency to it, make a coffee date to talk that over. Plants don’t survive on sunlight and water every once and a while. They need some consistency. The same thing applies to relationships. (Not the sun and water but consistency part.)
Bottom line, an ultimatum is basically a threat. If that’s what the two of you rely on to get your needs met, that’s toxic. Point, blank and period.